I've always wanted to be mum, there's nothing I’ve ever wanted more than to have a proper family.
I started young which was a big mistake, I had my 1st miscarriage at 14 yrs old and my 2nd at 16, I thought my life was over and that it would never happen for me and then I realised that I just wasn’t ready and when things were right everything would happen at the right time.
In 2008 i met Ben, he is wonderful he makes me feel complete. We've had a few problems but we knew we were meant to be and came through it all stronger as a couple. We fell in love quickly and a year flew past and we started to talk about our future, we are young but we knew what we wanted.
It took 6 months of trying to fall pregnant and it wasn’t till i stopped thinking about falling pregnant that it happened, it was January 2010 and we were over the moon, scared happy and excited all rolled into one. Having had miscarriages in the past i was wary and didn’t want to believe it until the 12 week scan was done (I’d miscarried around that time on the ones before, which isn’t uncommon in the 1st stage).
I think it was at about 16 weeks that I’d started to except it, we had the test's done to check that there was nothing wrong with him and he passed with flying colours!
In June we married, it was the happiest day of my life, i couldn’t believe how lucky I was, i had it all a wonderful husband and the baby i'd always dreamed, i was floating on clouds of happiness!
We went into hospital on the 21st Sep 2010 in the morning as i was being induced and everything seem to be ok, they monitored Theo's heart for a few hours and then gave me a pessary, Ben went home that night as i had to stay in.
My hine waters broke during the night and it was arranged that the next next 22nd i'd be moved to the labour ward when Ben and my mum arrived.
In the evening one of the nurses broke my water properly and thats when it all started to go wrong, everything happened so quickly the contraction started and i dilated within an hour from nothing to 4cm and within the next hour i was fully dilated!
But they didnt listen it was over an hour after i said i had to push that they eventually checked me and were very very suprised!
I must admit its all abit of a blur from there as i had an epidural, but i do remember them telling me to push and then one of them said "not long now just one more push and he'll be out" so i pushed and i pushed again and again and then more and more people started coming in looking very concerned, it took that women 38min to get Theo out of me and obviously he was rushed away, we didnt get to see him for what felt like hours, but eventually we were aloud into the neonatal ward to see him, it felt so unreal, in there their was all these tiny babies and then we saw him, he looked enormous (8 pound 11) all covered in tubes and machines and covered in bruises, it was a horrible sight to see your baby looking so hurt and defenceless and you not being able to hold him.
It felt like we were in hospital for months but really it was only 6 days in total, 4 days with Theo.
we did get to hold him eventually for a few minutes and had some photos taken, but that was brief.
The time that we actually got him to ourselves was while we were waiting for him to die (it sounds horrific and to but honest, i dont know how we managed to keep it together but we did for him).
The doctors told us he had very little chance of survival after everything he'd been through, so we had him christened and the following day they took him of the machines and let us have him for what they thought would be an hour tops.
But he survived for 35 hours my brave, strong little boy, gave us the chance to hold him and cuddle him and change his nappy and feed him (via a tube) and i am so so proud of him for being so strong and brave and giving us the chance to spend some time with him and to be able to love him!
I miss him so much and i cant stop thinking about him, my little angle Theo i love you with all my heart forever and always XXXX RIP XXXX
